Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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