I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
