Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
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