Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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