So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
