when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
