i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
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The beer is more important than you right now.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
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The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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