the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
