I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize