I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
