Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
