woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
