the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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