nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
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Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
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Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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