sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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