I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
