How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
don't judge my taste in strippers
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
