Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
