I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
