My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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