Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Sext me about skeletons
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
