i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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