The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
