my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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