I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
