where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
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He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
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I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.