If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season