In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.