I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.