get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
