I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
