I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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