so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
