Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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