The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
