Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
