Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
