if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
there's paper in my vomit.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
