She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
