R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
