Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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