SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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