I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize