Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
