my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
