I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
