I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I will be naked everywhere
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
