i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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