If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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