Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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