He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
