The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
