I wish I could teleport
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
