Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
