Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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