I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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