Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
