I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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