Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
