I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
