I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
