i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
