planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
