Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
